Scary Moment

A few weeks ago I was getting dressed and as I was doing so I found a grape sized lump in my left breast. I thought maybe I was over reacting so I asked my fiance for his opinon. He didn’t feel anything, quite obviously I was over reacting. Fast forward about three or four days. It was evening and I was changing into something a little more comfortable for the evening, Boo was in the shower. Everything from this moment on is so vivid!

I felt the lump again, I ran into the bathroom and swung open the shower curtain. He had his back to me so he was oblivious to what I’d just done. I touched his shoulder and made him jump. “BABE, FEEL THIS RIGHT HERE. PLEASE TELL ME I’M NOT IMAGINING THIS!” I was freaking out. He felt the same thing. Very obviously there was something there, his eyes were huge, he was concerned.

“Call the doctor and get in to get that looked at. It could be serious!” him saying that didn’t help the situation at all. I called my aunt. I asked her who I should call my GP or the gynecologist, and I asked her specifically to NOT say a peep to my mother! The next morning I called the doctor and I got in that same day. He felt around, doing the usual “monthly” exam. He felt what I felt and he felt one more. I was scared to death.

“We’re going to send you in for a mammogram,” was his determination. “It may be just a cyst, but I want to be sure. We’d rather be sure now than come to a realization in two years that we didn’t do anything about it.” So, out I went with orders in hand. I called to schedule my appointment the next day. They couldn’t get me in for a week. So for the next week I would feel my lumps to see if they got any larger or if they would go away.

They were still there when I arrived at the hospital for my appointment. I’ve NEVER been as nervous going to the doctor as I was at this very moment. The lady asked me to have a seat she’d be right with me. She was admitting another person. She finished that up about five minutes later. I sat watching the clock. My appointment was for 2, it was now 2:25. I got up and walked to the desk. She apologized for forgetting about me and asked me to come with her.

She put me in this little “zen” room. I sat there listening to the fountains and the celtic music…..TERRIFIED. FINALLY, a lady came to get me. She handed me this cape thing and told me to put these beaded stickers on my nipples, she’d be right back. Why I thought to myself, it this woman is going to be fondling my breasts for the next 30 minutes does she have to leave the room while I take my top off? She comes back in explains to me what she’s going to be doing and squishes away at my breasts. I’m standing in contorted positions and she’s squeezing the hell outta my boobs with this machine. After about 30 minutes she tells me that she’s going to see the radiologist to stay like I am, he may want more pictures.

I sat and read an old issue of People and waited. She came back, of course he wanted more films. She repositioned, contorted, and squeezed the hell outta my breasts AGAIN. Then she told me the same thing, “I’m going to see the radiologist, stay as you are I will be back and he may want more films.” I picked the magazine back up and continued reading. She came back, this happened three more times. As you can imagine I am starting to get concerned and wondering why he keeps wanting more. She did finally tell me that I had really big breasts and that even though they squish the crap out of you there’s so much tissue and it’s still really thick. Finally we were finished………I thought.

She made sure I was covered with the cape thing, and told me to grab my stuff she was walking me two doors down. As she counted the doors I walked wondering what was going to happen next. I walked into this dark room where the ultrasound tech was patiently waiting. She went through her routine and as she was going over the right side she said to me……”Ooohhh…I need to go see the radiologist.” I’m laying there scared to death. Why is she getting the radiologist, and what is happening, I came in for two lumps in my left breast, now she’s worried about the right?

The radiologist comes in and introduces himself. I have NO IDEA what his name was, I couldn’t even tell you what he looked like. All I heard was, “I don’t know what to do with you. We’ve found something on the right in the ultrasound that isn’t showing in the mammogram. We are sure that the left is just fibrous cycsts, but we need to see you in six months to check your right side.” So with that I was left to get dressed and go on my way.

I was able to sleep a bit better than I had in the last week. I called my mom and told her all about it. She was not real happy that I haadn’t told her but I didn’t want her to freak out about anything that wasn’t really anything. We began talking about how they squeeze the hell outta your boobs and she started laughing. One of her friends who, “is barely a B whines about how it hurts”. It got me thinking, would it hurt that much worse if I wasn’t as big? All I know is that I’m not looking forward to February and again next August. I will be grateful if they tell me than that they won’t have to see me for another 8 years. Until then I am grateful that it didn’t seem to be anything cancerous. But to all my girlfriends out there, PLEASE make sure you do your self exams regularly.

Going Through Hell

Well you know those times when you feel like

There’s a sign there on your back

That says I don’t mind if you kick me, seems like everybody has

Things go from bad to worse

You think it can’t get worse than that

And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow

And you don’t know where you are

Used the needle of your compass, to sew up your broken heart

Ask directions from a genie in a bottle of jim beam

And she lies to you

That’s when you learn the truth

If you’re goin’ through hell keep on going

Don’t slow down if you’re scared don’t show it

You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there

I’ve been deep down in that darkness

I’ve been down to my last match

Felt a hundred different deamons breathin’ fire down my back

And I knew that if I stumbled I’d fall right into the trap

That they were layin’

But the good news is there’s angels everywhere out on the street

Holdin’ out a hand to pull you back up on your feet

The one’s that you’ve been draggin’ for so long

You’re on your knees might as well be prayin’

Guess what I’m sayin’

If you’re goin’ through hell keep on going

Don’t slow down if you’re scared don’t show it

You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there

When you’re goin’ through hell keep on movin’

Face that fire walk right through it

You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there

If you’re goin’ through hell keep on going

Don’t slow down if you’re scared don’t show it

You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there

When you’re goin’ through hell keep on movin’

Face that fire walk right through it

You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there

You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there

This song is the perfect song for my life at the present time. HELL.

I’ve been going through some things lately anyways, but it just seems like if it’s not one thing it’s another. Lately, I’ve been feeling pretty alone. Boo and I have been on different schedules, so that’s been hard. Communication has fallen by the wayside. I’ve been a complete bitch, and it’s not been a good time!

I bought a used SUV in June, two days after I made my first payment, I got notification that my paychecks would be being garnished from now until the end of the year for city taxes that my ex never paid. It was before we were married or even lived together, but since he’s out of a job and the can’t garnish him and we are technically still married, I have to pay.

A couple weeks ago I was in the shower and I felt a lump on my left breast. I kind of freaked out about it but the next day I couldn’t find it anymore. A few days later I was changing and just so happened to find it again. I asked Boo to feel to make sure I wasn’t crazy. Sure enough there it was. I went to my GP and he’s sent me to get a mammogram and an ultrasound. Neither of which are covered by insurance since I am not “old enough”. I have to pay part of the balance upfront. That’s going to set me back on rent and bills even further. I can only pray that my landlord will inderstand and work with me. I haven’t told my parents because I don’t want them to freak out. I did just find anouther bigger one yesterday in the same vicinity.

I’ve been applying for night time jobs to supplement my income, but the Cleveland economy sucks. Some things are going to have to go. We already got rid of phone and internet at home. Cable will be the next to go which will suck tremendously since we work opposite schedules. The house will be far too quiet.

I’ve got some “projects” that I took on, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to complete them by the deadline. Some are nearing completion as their deadlines approach, the one BIG one though. Needs to be done in 21 days. There’s no way that will even likely happen.

I was hoping to start back to school in January, that doesn’t look like it will happen. I have too much to catch up on before I can even begin to think about paying for school too. In just over a month, we will be making a road trip to Iowa for the birth of our neice and the wedding of my aunt. I am completely overwhelmed by this. I can’t ever remember having my foot this far into the depths of hell.

If you are a praying person, please pray that in time things will improve and that my tests come back clean. I appreciate it.

When Good Just Isn’t Good Enough

I’ve been debating on blogging on here for a while. I haven’t really known what to say or how to say it. I’m tired, at times I am a mess. I love my babe, and I love my parents. No one’s perfect, I am FAR from perfect, he is FAR from perfect, my parents are FAR from perfect. Why isn’t anyone willing to even TRY to accept the fact that he is a part of my life, and he’s just as important as they are. I hesitate to say more so because they are my family, but while they are my family, he is my other half. He is WITH me.

I wonder if some of my friends from high school that have married black men have had to deal with the same issues with their parents. I wonder if it’s because where we are from and that we were such a “white” community. I can probably answer this question. A couple may have had more issues than the other few, but why? We all breathe the same air, we bleed the same color, so why because one’s skin is a little darker does that make ALL the difference?

I wonder if it’s because dating outside of my race is a new thing that it’s that much more of a big deal. I wonder if maybe had I started out dating other races that THIS might not be such a big deal. Often times I talk to my parents and in the conversation I tell them that boo says hi. They say hey and continue on with the conversation. To him this is a HUGE deal. To me, it is as well, but I know this is the reaction so I brush it under the rug.

A couple of weeks ago I was pricing some hotels on the internet for our trip back in September. I called my mom who is the internet guru on good travel deals. She asked what we were looking to do. For her to say WE was a big step. Then as soon as I told her what we were trying to do, she made  a comment about well we’d hoped you’d come by yourself. What she doesn’t know is this trip is a BIG deal. My aunt is getting married, my brother is having his first baby, and there’s a good chance that WE could be make some pretty big decisions while we are there as well. Decisions that would benefit everyone.

A few days after having this conversation with her she saw one of my friends. The one that happened to come here to stay with us for a week. She wanted to know, “how is he?” Jordan told her he was good. He was really nice and he was really good to me. It still didn’t matter. She then went on to tell him that she wished I would come home in September alone and that I would be pissing more than a few people off by bringing boo home. This is a family matter why is she bringing my poor friends in the middle of it? She in fact tole him she wants me to move home. He reitterated that I do have a job, a car payment, a lease etc, I can’t just up and move at the drop of a hat. She even had the nerve to ask him if she was the reason I wouldn’t move home. He told her he was pretty sure that it was a big factor.

I’ve tried to explain all this to Boo, he doesn’t get it. His family welcome EVERYONE with open arems. His family accepts you for who you are. If you stumble, they may not be there to help you up, but they’ll be there to hold you up. They’ll love you no matter what. They may be mad as hell at you but you always know that you are loved. They would never shun someone. I’ve tried to tell him that this is the difference between our families. His family, if you mess up they forgive and forget, my family, not so much.

It’s taken a toll on me, on us, it makes me want to never go home yet at the same time I want to go home to show them how great he is. How can you claim to know someone after having met them for just an hour? And, if you don’t give them a chance how are you supposed to see my happiness? I’ve come to realize that nothing and no one will ever be good enough for my parents, and this makes me so angry, hurt, etc. I’m not sure they’ll ever know how bad they hurt not just me but also Boo.

Things That Make You Go Hmmm…

I really don’t have a title for this post. My brother and his wife found out what they were having last Monday. And while I’m extremely excited I chose not to tell anyone for a few days. Why? Because they aren’t FB people, and a lot of their friends are my friends, and if it were me, I’d want to tell everyone myself. But, they’ve had almost all week, and no one reads this blog that they know anyway.

Do you remember that I was going to innundate them with pink? I got really nervous for a while because I know SO SO SO many pregnant women right now and ALL of them are having boys. So, after I’ve been collecting girl stuff (three trash bags full), I’m finally able to breathe a little easier. I was right, and that Chinese fertility calendar that my brother says is horseshit. It’s been right so far. So, we are shopping pink! The nursery in the house they bought was of course for a boy. That will need to be redone now too.

I’m Learning

A few weeks ago, Boo told me that we were goign to go get his daughter and I HAD to do something with her hair because it was a disaster. I’ve always loved trying new styles and having fun doing people’s hair, but this was going to be a learning adventure.

I know that us white girls’ hair is much different from a black girl. I know they can’t be washing their hair all the time, I know the basics. So, in preparation for N to come over, I conversed with a friend of mine who’s kids are mixed and she told me what to get. I walked into Walmart and hunted through all the hair products looking for Africa’s Best grease. I didn’t find any. I walked a couple aisles over and I asked a stock lady if they had what I was looking for. She didn’t know. I started to walk away only to turn around and say to her, “Can you help me because I am clueless.” She wanted to then know if N was black or mixed. We found some products, too much for what I was looking to do. She waked away, I found the stuff I was looking for and I was out.

That evening we went to get N, her hair was a disaster! We went up to his parent’s house and while we were sitting on the porch, his mom showed me how to do it. I had been braiding her hair, but as his mom said, “she’s not squirming it’s not tight enough.” She did a few braids and then told me I was on my own.

N now expects when she comes over that the first thing that’s going to be done when she gets to our house is her hair. The other night we sat on the porch for a couple hours straightening her hair. Unfortunately, we didn’t wrap her hair so the next day it was out of control! Last night we braided the front and straightened the back, and then we wrapped her up tight.

I get better and better each time. I have to redo it less and less, but my big problem with her is that she is at that awkward stage in life. She’s too old for the cutesy barettes and bows, but she’s not old enough for the relaxer, etc. Sunday before she goes home to her mom’s we’ll be back at it so that the hair do we give her will stay until the next weekend.

Uncomfortable

This weekend we went to one of my “sister-in-love’s” homes for a birthday party. I’ve never been uncomfortable being the only white girl in the room, because I usually am. When we walked in, Boo’s oldest sister, mom, and dad were sitting together. I said hello to his sister, (of the three we are the least close) gave his dad a smooch and hugged his mom. We went to find his sister who’s home we were in and say hello to her.

We were sitting conversing with everyone when it became apparent that the sister that was by his parents was not wanting to be a part of our conversations. We’ll call her M. We were sitting across the room from them and while they were talking to us, M didn’t hardly bat an eye. Throughtout the evening Boo would say something and she’d acknowledge him but that was about it.

His third sister came in later, she and I are the closest. I went into where she was and talked to her for a bit. As we were getting ready to leave, I heard Boo saying to M that she needed to give me a chance. “Talk to her please M.” Then he called me over to tell me the same thing. We needed to get to know each other because he’s in love with me, etc. She told me finally to find her on FB and request her as my friend.

As we were driving home I told him that he made me a bit uncomfortable doing that right in front of both of us. Because neither of us really know how to react. “Uncomfortable!? How were you uncomfortable, how can you tell me that when YOUR parents are the ones that walked away from me and wouldn’t give me the time of day, and you want to tell me that little conversation made you uncomfortable?” He wasn’t very happy with me, but I knew right then and there that what I was feeling, he felt ten fold last May when my parents were here. He’s then told me that he’d talked to M and that she was going to give me a chance, because he asked her to do it for him. Now, if only my parents would do the same.

I know now the pain of feeling “unwanted”. It’s a feeling I don’t ever want to deal with again. We get the occassional looks and comments, but not being accepted by a family member hurts. And, as he told me, that’s just my sister, I have to contend with your parents. And to that, I need to tell him, I am sorry Boo!

The Epitomy of Prejudice

This morning my boo and I woke up early and got ready to take Jordan back to Chicago. It was the beginning of a crazy day and the end of an awesome week. As we packed up my little car instead of his we reflected on the past week with Jordan. We stopped to get gas and oil for the car and hit the turnpike. I was driving, Boo was in the passenger front seat and Jordan was behind me since it was early, the guys had plans to sleep.

Six miles onto the turnpike we were all chatting having a good time. As we passed and emergency vehicle turn around we saw a trooper. I wasn’t speeding, we had on our seat belts, everything was good. As we continued, I noticed that the trooper had pulled onto the highway. I figured he was after the Tahoe that went flying past me. All of the sudden, he was right beside me. He stayed riding along side of us for a few minutes. Then all of the sudden, I was pulled over.

We weren’t doing anything wrong so I was quite surprised when the trooper approached the vehicle and asked for me to get my license and step out of the car. I got out of the car, he patted me down and asked me where we were headed. I told him Chicago and he asked why. I then told him I was taking a friend to Chicago. He then asked me to get in the back of his car. As I sat there he ran my license, told me he’d pulled me over for a cracked windshield, then called for backup. “Why is your passenger so nervous?” Nervous I asked? We were just having a good time talking, he’s not nervous about anything. He then informed me that he had K-9 working in the area and they’d be here to sniff out the car in a few minutes. He went back to my car and took both Boo and Jordan’s licenses. He then approached Boo’s door and asked him to get out of the car. He was searching him high and low, checking a spot on his shirt and kept grabbing his side holster. I couldn’t believe that this was actually happening. He let Boo get back in the car and sat with me in the car waiting for K-9. As we sat waiting, he ran all of our licenses.

As soon as they pulled up, they again took Boo from the car and placed him in the back of the second car. He then asked Jordan to get our and frisked him as well, then put him in the back of the car with me. The second trooper took the dog all around the car and of course found nothing. Jordan was asked to get out of the patrol car and into my car. Then Boo was taking out of the second unit and searched yet again before they let him get back in my car. As he sat there writing me a warning for my windshield, I asked him if we looked that suspicious. He said that we did. I understand my dad was a police officer for nearly 30 years. He told me to get my window fixed and if I were to get pulled over again to show them the warning.

I got back in the car and we headed down the road on our long journey. Once we were all in the car together and recounted what each of us had been asked it was VERY clear that we’d been pulled over because we were two white people and a black man. Three people that were having a good time. Boo happened to be turned back talking to Jordan and laughing when we passed the trooper. Apparently that was enough for him to think we looked suspicious. He’d asked us all indiviually where we were going and why. We’d all given him the same answer so that checked out. Boo tells me that he asked him repeatedly if he was going to find any drugs on him. He also asked Jordan after watching him put his phone in his pocket if there was anything else in his pocket. VERY obviously this was a case of prejudice. It happens periodically. Boo says, it’s going to happen just becacuse of who we are together. I know this, but in all reality, this was harrassment. That trooper couldn’t have seen that crack on my windshield until he walked up to my car. It’s not big enough for him to have seen otherwise. It was total bullshit, he never even asked for my insurance or registration!!

The Visitor

I haven’t blogged in FOREVER, I’ve been busy with work, life, etc. And, this week we have company. Company, that has been good for me. I’ve seen thigns that I haven’t seen in the 5 years that I’ve lived in Cleveland. I have been places that are amazing, and I plan to visit again.

Last year about this time I was going through HELL, and I would sit and have conversations with Jordan for hours. He told me in one of those conversations that he was going to come see me for Spring Break. I really didn’t think it would happen, he’s young, and there are FAR COOLER destinations than Cleveland! But, much to my surprise he’s here.

We’ve had a pretty good time. We hit the St. Patty’s Day parade, some downtown Cleveland hot spots, the Art Museum, the snow covered beach, and we’ve hung out, caught up, and educated each other on the latest happenings. I’ve been able to take most of this week off at 1pm from work so that we could spend some time together, and we’ve had a blast. We have a few more sites to see but then, Sunday we will pack the car back up and head to Chicago again to drop him back off. I can only hope he’s had as good of a time as I have.

Revelations

After finding out that my brother and his wife were expecting, my mom called me and left me a message on Valentine’s Day to “call me, but if you haven’t talked to your brother, try him first.” I didn’t get the message until Monday morning, I called her back at lunch since our phones were down. I sat at my desk and talked to her for a bit. We caught up some, mostly about happenings in my hometown. For some reason talking to my mom is always “gossip” who died, who’s pregnant, etc. Our converstaion lacks the personal touch.

In our conversation, I told her that we’d moved. She was a bit surprised that I hadn’t told her. She asked for our new address and if it was around the same price, etc. I answered all of her questions and though I know she’s not at all dumb, she never once said anything about my boo (new name for “dude”)living with me. I am assuming she’s choosing to ignore the obvious. This makes me very sad. I was hoping that news of the baby would bring us closer together. Instead as we talked about the possibilities of how the baby would look, act, etc. All she could say to me was that I was going to miss out living so far away.

I guess I still have a glimmer of hope that when WE go home in September that things will be different for us. I hope to see my parents at their home, I want to see my brother’s new home and be there to hold the baby. WE can’t wait to meet OUR niece. I just hope that WE are able to have an enjoyable trip.

(And as a side note: Kelly……..I just approved your comment the other day as life has been VERY hectic lately. I want to tell you thank you very much though! I will be in touch.)

Excited

My relationship with my family is strained to say the least. In January I text my brother to tell him Happy Birthday and I got no response, then that night after work I called him. It appeared that someone answered but would then hang up. I thought the first time that I had lost the call since I was in the middle of downtown and all the big buildings. I called again, same thing. I emailed my mom and told her I was disappointed in the fact that my brother wouldn’t even take my call. But, no one ever said anything more about it so I moved on.

The week before Valentine’s Day I was on my facebook looking and seeing that SO many of my friends were announcing that they were pregnant. As I sat at home on Valentine’s Day watching tv, I got a text message. “Big news, you are going to be an aunt in Sept.” It was a text from my brother. I was thrilled. We conversed via text for a few minutes and it all the sudden dawned on me. I am goign to be home in September for my aunt’s wedding. I was hoping and praying that I could kill two birds with one stone.

The baby is due on the 11th. The wedding is on the 18th. If all goes as planned, I will be able to see my new niece and watch my aunt get married all at once. And, by the way for those of you that know that it’s still too early to know what they are having, the Chinese Fertility Calendar says it’s a girl. And, both my sister in law and I looked on this without having even told one another! My brother told my mom that it’s “horseshit”. They will find out in another couple months, but for now I am going to innundate him with pink!